It feels so great to talk to some one who thinks alike. Like minded people are such a pleasure to interact with. Specially if you can actually count the number of like minded people you know on your fingers.
Sadly, I had reached a point where I had started believing that I was wrong all the time, or fake all the time, or simply silly, just because my thoughts did not find resonance. They did in some cases. But as time has told me, they did so for all the wrong reasons. The darkness in me found companionship and resonated fervently till it reached a climax of its own. But the other part remained destitute of company.
And then you slowly fall into the default-ness of life. You stop caring about the choices, you ignore the decisions, you let things push you around, you let people make you believe stuff you would not have otherwise, you become listless and you age - not from outside, but inside. Your spirit has effervesced and your heart aches for no particular reason. You realize that the walls are closing in onto you, choking you and leaving you with no space to even spread your arms.
And like Gandalf, who returned from his battle with Balrog, you come to realize where you are. The sky seems to toss around, the heart sinks into the pits of your guts, your head jumps onto a merry-go-round and yet a smile lies around on your face. Some realize late, some do early. Some hope to change. Some change.
Slowly, you fight the darkness , falling every now and then, learning to pick yourself up. Giving up, crying, dying, you try again. It's like crossing a huge road in darkness where cars and bikes speed past with their headlights off and engines on mute. Each moment you curse yourself for having come this way. For, while coming it was very easy - it was daylight. But now, it is endless sparkling darkness.
And like the umbilical cord, you are tied to the past and it feeds you with hatred, grief, anger and disappointment. You wish to break through, but realize you can not. You are not yet born. You wait for the doctor to come and cut it for you.
Days and nights, nights and days. They just slip by. Each day is the same. You find no difference. Each person is the same. You see no difference. You weigh a ton and even thinking 2+2 equals 4 seems to be a marvelous achievement. You are in the pit.
It is the pit Miranda had to come out of as a kid and later Bruce wayne too, albeit after a few failed attempts. But its like that. Each failure is a deathly blow.
And as they say perseverance pays, tiny chinks appear in the armor of dark-god. It seems as though somewhere out of the shell you enclosed yourself into are people who are knocking now and then, people who drop by a few times only to be disappointed by your absence. And as you casually say that you are there and that you cannot see - there are people who will come and try to break your shell from outside. Like those who rescue lives form debris of earthquakes.
Help, it seems is just a call away. You no longer feel you are alone. You no longer feel isolated. Yet, like a venomous snake a doubt lurks in you - Why ? Why should anyone help me ? Why should I be helped ? I don't deserve it. The snake makes you restless. You feel like a bomb waiting to explode. You want to run or jump from a cliff, drown yourself, bury yourself or burn yourself - but you don't want those terrible thoughts to return. You sleep. Days altogether. You think that by closing your eyes, your troubles will fade away. You are wrong again.
And while everyone else is going on with their everyday work, you have no clue of where you stand in life. Yet, you now know, more than ever before the meaning of life. You now know what living actually means. But you doubt if you have it in you to live.
You try to work your way through. The darkness is lessened. The sun has just set. The birds are calling out your name while they fly away to distant lands. The clouds are parting to let a few mischievous stars take a peep at your miserable condition. And then, they wink at you and you feel you are not lonely. You wink back.
You are now afraid of everything around you. You are conscious of yourself, your hands, your legs, your mouth, the words they utter. You start hating yourself even more. But you want to change that. And you know how. But you don't know if.
And then as you are walking along the road counting stars you meet a person who brings back a long forgotten photograph of you. You look at it and feel a warmth within - something that is alien to you now. You feel the muscles of your lips parting on their own and you feel like you have just been drugged with the elixir of life.
You are suddenly reminded that statistics demands respect. That the laws of probability are universal. That if you think of something in some manner, so do a number of other people. You suddenly have respect for people. Something that you had lost long time back.
You now want to think as everyone as equal. You want to smile and share your joys with everyone. Because you were wrong that your joys are not acceptable. You want to go on and live your dream. You want to be free. You want to share your ideas and receive ideas. You want to respect and love people. You want to be a good person. You want to be a responsible citizen. You want to be alive.
Now, you need to. Thank you friend.
Bad is bad. Bad is what your innermost of inner gut feeling tells you in an instant is bad. That is the worst of all bad. And all bad things leave a stain.
In the words of a fellow blogger - "Move not into the darkness but into the light, for both of them exist here and there."
So much dusting to be done. Vacuuming the cobwebs, replacing dusty tablecloths and repairing the circuitry. Thanks for being the candle.
:)
